Excretius Redandwhiteus

Name : ‘Joke City Fan’ or Excretius Redandwhiteus

General Description : Generally humanoid in shape and weighing in at between 15 and 20 stone and about 5 - 6 foot tall with protruding forehead and chins and thick sallow skin. The female of the species can be distinguished by their garish make-up, thinner facial hair and are more bald than the male. Both sexes have huge bellies which they display in ritual shows of aggression.

Habitat : Common in the Joke on Trent area of North Staffordshire, they live in loose family groupings in ramshackle hovels. Every other Saturday afternoon, and during some weekday nights, they hold tribal gatherings in an area of Joke known as the Victoria Ground. Observers have also recently reported that these gatherings are now taking place at the Council’s newly built High Energy And Positively Obnoxious Fat Storage, Handling and Intensive Trapping Equipment (or HEAPOFSHITE) at Trentham Lakes. These atavistic gatherings serve as an act of worship (see below).

Technology : There technological advancement is limited although they are able to use simple mechanical devices, such as the wheel, but are still unsure how these actually work. Most of their research appears aimed at what they call the Philosophers Stone, an alchemical substance that can turn any food-stuff into lard, a main item in the Joke City fan’s diet.

Religion : Joke City fans observe a ritualized form of worship at their tribal gatherings which involves eleven men running out on to a field with a ball. They then perform disjointed and spasmodic dances symbolic of working out what to do with the ball - this usually lasts 90 minutes. The roles of the men are:-

No 1 - Looks like a chimpanzee but has all the agility of a brick nailed to concrete

No’s 2 - 5 : Usually looking like they’d eat your elderly relatives, they arrange themselves in a row across the field and jog slowly back and forth between a white line painted across the middle of the field and the ape wearing No 1. Occasionally one will kick the ball over the heads of . . .

No’s 6, 7, 8, 11 who also arrange themselves in a row just beyond the middle white line and occasionally make painful jerking motions with their feet for no good reason.

No’s 9 and 10 will run aimlessly around before falling over in a white box marked out apparently for just such a purpose at the other end of the pitch.

Reading habits: Many City fans regularly read ‘The Oatcake’ and regard it as a semi-religious work. In reality, ‘The Oatcake’ is a tatty and poorly written "You killed a tree for this?" rag. The lack of any recognizable style, grammar or language have prevented linguists and normal people from making any coherent sense from the mad ramblings contained therein.

Eating habits : Their main staples are lard, cooking oil and raw meat. They also brew there own ale from bacon fat and pigeon droppings and this can be sampled at any pub within vomiting distance of the Victoria Ground by using the phrase ‘Pintalagerpleasemate’. Their eating habits usually go like this :

• Pre-Breakfast snack: Lard fritter
• Breakfast : Lard-flakes with milk (with added fat) and a pint of cooking oil
• Post Breakfast snack : Tallow sausage sandwich, two pints of lager
• Pre-pre-lunch snack : King size Mars bar and Snicker with custard decorated with Rolos and a pint of cooking oil
• Pre-lunch appetizer: Seven pints of lager (six for the females)
• Lunch : Raw-meat pie (usually rat) with chips and garnished with lard
• Post lunch snack: Twenty-seven packets of Spring Onion Monster Munch
• Mid-Afternoon meal : Bacon, Egg, Sausage, Beans, Mushrooms, Tomatoes, with Fried Loaf
• Evening meal: Two roast boar, fried panda stuffed with mushy peas and soaked in butter served with eight pints of lager Supper: Fifteen pints of lager, a packet of salted nuts and micro-waved leg-of-hippo
• Pre-bedtime snack : A small diet coke with ice and lemon

Tracking, Baiting and Trapping : Extreme care should be taken as the Joke City Fan is a temperamental creature given to random acts of violence. If you enter into conversation with it then do not use words with more than four letters as this will confuse the creature - again, they respond with violence to things they don’t understand (like fire, water, rocks, passes played along the ground, etc.)

Tracking is quite easy - the City fan is a slow moving creature and if you see a large slow moving animal with red and white stripes then it’s a 90% certainty that this a Joke fan or possibly a fat crippled zebra with sunburn - this is unlikely though.

Baiting is also very easy. The phrases "Your team is crap", "Joke aren’t a big club" and "Your a bit of a tosser, aren’t you?", whilst all being undeniably true, will serve to bait the animal.

Trapping: Herd the animal into a small space with a dead end and because of its bulk it will then be unable to turn around and as they aren't clever enough to walk backwards it will be trapped. Alternatively any display of attractive football will usually send it to sleep.

Conclusion : The Joke City Fan is a sad, fat and dull creature with no intelligence and of no value or interest except as an object of derision.

Contributed by Ian Martin

 Be Lousy, Be Poor, Be Joke City

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